I need to write.
I have no idea what I need to say, but I need to write before I lose it, again. And I can't talk on IRC because there's no one there to talk to - Ioana went to bed, I think, and Ash left for a shower... and I dunno maybe I don't need to talk to another person anyway.
...Well no thats crap, there is one person I need to talk to... but best not to think about that right now.
I wish I could just write all this - or part of it, or none of it, or ANYTHING - down in his letter, but it's one of those days when the thoughts are racing so fast in my head that I'm lucky if my fingers are quick enough to type down a quarter of them, much less all of them. And never, never am I able to record the important thoughts, the ones that come back to plague me over and over again, day after day. Because I can't rememebr what they are. I know that they hurt, but before I can fully understand exactly what they are, they just dart away again and I'm left grasping air, as always.
They have colors, sometimes, these thoughts. I'm a lot more visual of a person than I thought... I can literally see the thoughts whirling around me like a tornado - I know I've made this comparison before, but it's the only one that really fits - and theyre all different. Sometimes - most times - the thoughts I see are words. Not complete sentences or even complete thoughts, but just single words, sometimes small phrases. Sometimes theyre pictures... a face, the curve of a back, the Pink room at work. And sometimes the most obscure of the thoughts are just colors. They'll be words too, but blurry, as if I don't have my contacts in and I'm trying to read a line of text on IRC. I can see the colors, but I can't make out the words.
They're bright blue, the thoughts that are plaguing me now. And I don't know what that means, but they are. Bright royal blue.
Ani just signed on, and that's very good. She's good at keeping my spirits high.
I've got to learn how to manage stress better... the entire left side of my face broke out, a cold sore tried to pop up yesterday, Im losing weight even though I'm eating I am...
Aidan and Ani are life-savers, seriously. <33