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Where love is more than just your name
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31st-May-2008 12:51 am - There is no Arizona
Lily Dreams
I haven't been sleeping well the past few days. Surprise surprise, right? But my sleeping did get better when I got back from Mason - even if I forgot to mention it in here - except now its not, again. I went to bed at around 11 last night, and tossed and turned for hours before finally falling into a restless sort of half-sleep that I awoke from every few hours. And it makes no sense because I am legitimately tired and yet I can't get much relief from it.

I have a little pink capsule of Benadryl sitting next to me that I can't yet bring myself to take. I know it sounds stupid - someone being afraid of taking a single tablet of an allergy medication. But anti-histamines effect me much stronger than they effect other people. If I take this, without a doubt I will fall asleep, and I will stay asleep for quite a period of time. But what then? What if I can't sleep tomorrow night? Or the night after? I don't want to have to rely on a medication for something as simple and seemingly effortless as sleeping.

Im sick of debating this, fuck it. I need sleep too badly to care anymore.
24th-May-2008 03:43 am - Mini-spaz
The Honesty Box application on Facebook has once again reinforced that I have the most amazing friends imaginable :)

It's Friday. I should have had a voice lesson today. Only bad part about summer break... my teacher is three and a half hours away. Poo. Aaaand now I just got worried about my 3-credit audition again. There is so much music that I still need to learn... omigod and the recital next year... I'm not ready to give a recital! What! Crazies! I have waaaay too many arias and not enough art songs. I have, what, 2 Italian art songs? And 1 English? More German than I know what to do with, and a fair bit of French (which all still suck, go Babs who can't pronounce French to save her life!) Moral of the story: at 4 in the morning I can not let myself think about singing because I'll get overwhelmed and freak out a bit.

*smiles and spins around a bit* Je veux vivre indeed.

And these icons suck. Im going to change them hurrah!
23rd-May-2008 10:37 am - Unpack
I've been sleeping in late, recently. Staying up really really late and sleeping in till 2 in the afternoon. I know it's a bad habit to get into, but I've grown to hate the mornings, and I've grown used to being on IRC at obscene hours.

I finally dragged myself to bed at 4.30 this morning. Three and a half hours later my mother burst into my room in a supremely bad mood, flipped on the light, and informed me that I was "just the same as everyone else" and needed to get up. She left and returned fifteen minutes later to tell me that I needed to unpack from uni today or she'd just send me to live with my father. I was already packed, it'd be easy. He even has a van, and she'd be more than happy to help. "I wouldn't mind," she said, "I'd even prefer it. I think it would be better if we didn't see so much of each other, since we have such drastically different lifestyles." A few more comments like that, and then she went to work.

I get emotional enough as it is when I haven't had much sleep, but I'm fairly sure that the hysterical sobbing that followed her leaving had very little to do with my exhaustion. Words can not really describe the hurt that comes from hearing a parent say they don't want you anymore. Especially my mother. For years, it was just her and me against the word - she was all I had, and I was really all she had.

And the insane thing is, she knows I can't move in with my father. If I didn't end up killing myself, he would.

Could you find it in your heart to make this go away... And let me rest in pieces...
18th-May-2008 10:52 pm - Happy Birthday
For the first time in 20 years, I actually got my birthday wish.
12th-May-2008 12:50 am - Insanity
So tonight as I was doing the dishes, someone said something and I burst into a chorus of Aint No Mountain High Enough. And then, after the chorus, I burst into hysterical laughter as I realized the sheer irony of what I had sung. Its still a little funny.

My sister thought I was going insane, though. Hell, maybe I am. Doesn't seem like such a bad place to go.
9th-May-2008 02:33 am - Nobody said it was easy
Je veux vivre
What's the word for how I'm feeling? I went through the little mood drop-down and the ones that even come close are: depressed, discontent, distressed, lonely, morose, worried. What's the word for the combination of all that?

Today's Song: Coldplay - The ScientistCollapse )

It's raining. Whether or not I like rain depends on my mood, and I can never predict it. Tonight I like the rain. It's... a cleansing rain, tonight. I have this mad urge to go outside and just... sit in the rain until I'm completely soaked through to the bone, and then sit longer. The only downside to doing so would that I may catch cold. However, I'm done with class, and if I got sick... well then I'd be able to sleep at home for as long as I'd like without mom getting upset with me. So, really, there is nothing but upsides for sitting in the rain. Except that in my contemplation it's slowed, and with that... changed.

It stopped raining. I am... wholly disappointed.

I wish I wasn't such a good actress. It's a great skill to have for the stage, but... in real life? It's no wonder people tend not to believe me... who would believe somthing like this that they can't see with their own eyes?

I wish I could go to bed and sleep for, like, a week. Maybe then I'd emerge a new person and I'd like myself more. BUT that's a funny idea... sleep. When's the last time I've gotten any of that?

It's late, and I'm bitter, and for that I apologize. [And if I get a single comment of *hugs* I'm going to shoot someone. :) ]
8th-May-2008 12:49 pm - I adore this meme
Je veux vivre
iTunes Hoorah!Collapse )

Yes, I listen to wizard rock. I listen to a LOT of it. Also, I adore 90s music. *g*

ETA: Okay so I'm really bad at putting the first LINE as it would be on, say, a lyrics website... so in most cases I have the first musical line
7th-May-2008 12:16 pm - Self-Destruct
I don't understand why I can't sleep anymore. No matter when I go to bed, I stay up for hours just trying to fall asleep. And then when I DO manage to fall asleep, I wake up some time between 7.30 - 9.30am and do the whole "wake up every hour/half hour until you're just too annoyed to sleep anymore" thing. It's been, what, a week and a half since I've had a decent's night's sleep? Or had a decent's day's worth of food?

One meal a day (yesterday it was two!!) might be bad for my health, but I think I'm losing weight. So that's fun.

Uuuuuggggh I think I may actually get sick this time...
3rd-May-2008 04:52 pm - It's playing on repeat
Very free
This song makes me cry too.Collapse )

I blame Ash for that one. She listened to it and told me it reminded her of me, so naturally I had to listen, and... Well, anyway.

I don't sleep much anymore. I can't help it. I think it's a subconscience thing [Did I spell that right? No, probably not.] that has to do with my alarm clock only sometimes working.

Opening night was last night [opening night of two nights... how funny is that. I have to go to hours and hours and hours of rehearsals each week - and do tech for five hours a day for a week - just so I can be on stage for ten minutes on one night.]. It went really well. I don't have the pictures from my camera uploaded yet, but I took one with my webcam cuz I got so freakishly bored. Eventually, I'll learn how to take pictures without making my face and neck look so wide. I have to be at the theatre in two hours, too... Not for me, but because my counterpart needs help getting into her costume... Also, it's nice to have someone down in the dressing rooms before the show thats not IN the show in case someone needs an errand run or something. Plus, this way I'll get to take loads of inappropriate pictures. :D

I seriously hope we have a cast-party type thing tonight. I don't necessarily want to get drunk (okay, so that's a bold-faced lie... this week has been awful) but I do want an evening just to... decompress... with a bunch of great people.

Dear Barbara: STOP BEING A PUSH-OVER. Damn.
1st-May-2008 04:00 am - she won't sleep
Je veux vivre
These lyrics make me cry.Collapse )


Ive been staring at the screen for... I dont even know how long... trying to think of something to say. I can't.


I'm terrified that I might, and some people have said that I am... but they don't understand that it is absolutely not allowed, under any circumstances. No, I refuse.
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